As many of you know, moms have many talents. They have eyes in the back of their head. Their ears can hear down hallways. They even have a 6th sense to know what you're evil thing you are planning to do right before you do it. This is where the infamous "Don't even think about it" saying comes from.
It is with great pleasure that I announce to you my mom has another talent - Official Zombie Killer.
Here we go:
Back in early April, I had LASIK surgery. Kyle had it last summer, and this year was my turn. First let me say before anything else, I loved my doctor, loved the office staff, loved the surgery. I would do it again tomorrow if I needed to and would highly recommend everyone go get it done by the same doctor.
Having said that, Kyle and I had two different experiences with our surgeries. Granted, people are crawling around in your eye and lasers are trimming pieces of your eye away to make it better, so you are going to have a bit of “discomfort” while you are there and when you go home. Ladies, this is different than when the you-know-what doctor says “this might be unpleasant.”
Before surgery, my doctor gave me a Valium. He gives everyone one. It helps you relax, because, as mentioned before, people are going to be elbow-deep in your eye later on. When Kyle had his surgery, he was fine during the surgery. It was right after and at home that he felt “discomfort” in his eyes. This can be described as sand in your eye, or burning or Tabasco…you the point. His eyes watered and burned, and you can’t touch them or rub. He took a Vicodin and went to sleep for 8 hours. When he woke up, everything was fine and the pain was gone.
My surgery was pretty much the opposite. I had most of my “discomfort” during the surgery. I just didn’t like 3 or 4 people around me with tools doing things to my eyes. However, I had no pain or “discomfort” afterwards or at home. I did take a preemptive prescribed Vicodin just in case the pain came, but it never did. I slept only for 3 hours, woke up, and watched the Laker game with Kyle on TV. It was awesome.
It is in those 3 hours of sleep where my brain, on a mix of Valium and Vicodin, had a dream about zombies attacking the house. I should have known better since I rarely take pain meds or sleeping meds. Zombies were attacking the house, and Kyle and I were trying our darndest to keep all the doors and windows shut. We only had to keep them out until daybreak, and the sun would make the zombies go away.
We failed. Zombies got in the house. Correction – a sea lion zombie and a Justin Timberlake zombie got in the house. We tried to beat them up, hit them with a bat, chopped them into little pieces, but to no avail. All the arms and legs kept moving, even when I put them in a huge casserole dish and threw them in the oven. One arm tried to climb right out of the oven.
This is where Mom comes in to save the day! For some reason, Mom comes running into the kitchen with electric fabric shears, plugged into the wall. She rips the casserole dish out of the oven, throws it in the sink, fills the dish with water, and throws the electric fabric shears in the water to electrocute the zombie, thus killing the already un-dead creature. Do I ask why or how? No. Kids learn very early on not to question where their mother came from or why they know how to do everything. That’s just how moms are.
So there you have it. My mom is a zombie killer. You think Hallmark makes a Thank You card for that?
